10 Ways to Remember a Loved One at Christmas
For bereaved military children and their families, Christmas can be a time of mixed emotions. Everywhere they look, people are talking about spending quality time together as a family – many forgetting that not all families are able to be together on Christmas.
Lots of bereaved military children want to remember their loved one at Christmas, but doing so can also make them feel sad. Sometimes, a child won’t have any memories of their loved one as they died when they were very young, but still want to feel connected to them on such a special day. It’s for these reasons that finding a way of remembering that works for everyone is so important.
At Scotty’s Little Soldiers, our mission is to support bereaved military children and young people, offering guidance, providing one-to-one support and suggesting ways to help them deal with their grief.
Below are some ideas for bereaved children who want to remember a loved one at Christmas, as well as suggestions from some of our Scotty families, discussing what works for them.
Scotty Members posing for a photo with Santa at our 2022 Christmas party
Write them a letter
You can do this any time, but it can feel particularly poignant on a day like Christmas. Set aside 15 minutes to write them a letter and store it somewhere safe, such as memory box. This can help you feel more connected to them during those special times of year.
Hang a bauble in memory of your loved one
Get a bauble with a message to your loved one on it, or a special decoration that you associate with them. You can then hang it on the tree on Christmas Day, at whatever point feels right. In this one small act, you’re showing that you’re thinking about your loved one and that in some way they’re still part of the day.
“I buy the kids a bauble every Christmas which they put on the tree in memory of their dad,” says Cheryl Garner, mum of Scotty Members Austin, Cambell and Gracie. “It’s a simple gesture but one they look forward to every year. It’s a little moment just for them.”
Scotty Member Gracie with her dad, WO2 Ian Garner
Listen to their favourite music
Music is a great way to bring back memories and help us feel connected to a person. Why not spend some time listening and remembering? If you don’t know what music they liked, ask someone in your family. Maybe they had a favourite Christmas song you could play?
Eat their favourite food
Maybe they had a favourite recipe you could use, or have a buffet that includes some of their favourite Christmas food.
A Scotty family listening to music at our 2022 Christmas party
Visit their resting place
If your loved one has a resting place, visiting it at Christmas or over the festive period is a good way to include them in the day while slowing down and allowing yourself time for contemplation. Some people also find it comforting to talk as though their loved one were right there with them. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a resting place, either. It can be anywhere that feels poignant and reminds you of your loved one.
“We always go down to the cemetery either on Christmas day or just before,” says Adele Barrett, mum of Scotty Member Sofia. “It’s a tradition we have and is a chance for us to reflect and remember.”
Plant something in your garden in memory of them
Being able to look out your window and see a tree, plant or beautiful flower that reminds you of your loved one can be a great way to keep them in your mind, and planting it on Christmas day is something everyone can get involved with. This is an especially good idea if you can’t go to the grave or their resting place.
Scotty Member Sofia at our Christmas party
Do something they enjoyed
This could be absolutely anything, from going on a walk to watching their favourite film. It’s a nice, simple way of remembering them that doesn’t involve too much planning.
Chat
It sounds simple, but taking the time to chat to your family or friends about your loved one is one of the best ways to keep them in your thoughts at Christmas. Share stories and experiences. You might even learn something you didn’t know about them! If you were very young when your loved one died and have no memories of them, this is a great way to help you feel more connected.
“We have a photo album full of pictures of the kids with their dad that we look through,” says Cheryl. “I really like doing that with Gracie, in particular. Because she was only two when Ian died, she doesn’t really have any memories of him, and it’s a way of reminding her that they did things together.”
Scotty Members Austin, Cambell and Gracie with their dad
Light a candle
On special occasions like Christmas, it can be nice to light a candle and take a moment to remember your loved one. By doing this, in a small way they’re still part of your day. Just remember not to leave it unattended.
Hold a celebration
On special dates like Christmas, you might want to set aside some time from the festivities to celebrate your loved one’s life. How you celebrate is up to you, but a group of people remembering and reminiscing together is a fun way to help you all feel closer to your loved one.
“Christmas makes me feel mixed emotions because it was my dad’s birthday on the 1st of December,” says Scotty Member Sofia. “I'm normally quite sad around that point in the year. But, at the same time, Christmas should be happy. I love Christmas, but at the same time I like to think about my dad.”
Baby Sofia with her mum, Adele, and dad, SSgt Christopher Chacksfield
For further bereavement guidance, listen to the Help Me, I’m Grieving podcast. The podcast follows a series of conversations between Lorna Vyse, a child bereavement specialist at Scotty’s Little Soldiers, and Ben, who experienced childhood bereavement.
Supporting bereaved military children
Scotty’s Little Soldiers is a charity dedicated to supporting children and young people (0 to 25 years) who have experienced the death of a parent who served in the British Armed Forces.
Inspired by the experience of Army widow Nikki Scott, following the death of her husband Corporal Lee Scott in Afghanistan in 2009, the charity, which was set up in 2010, provides support and guidance to hundreds of bereaved military children and young people throughout their childhood.
Services offered to Scotty’s members include access to child bereavement support, guidance to parents and carers, personal education and learning assistance (including grants), and fun activities such as holiday respite breaks and group events. These are all designed to remind the children and young people supported by Scotty’s that they are not alone.
