How do you honour a deceased loved one at Christmas?
There’s no easy way for a bereaved family to honour their deceased loved one at Christmas, but war widow Nikki Scott explains how she and her children will remember their hero this Christmas Day, and opens up about struggling to find the right way to include him in their celebrations.
My husband Lee meant the world to me. He had a cheeky grin and an infectious laugh. He was a Corporal in the Army and he loved his job. He was also a brilliant husband and completely devoted to our two children, Kai and Brooke.
On the 10th of July 2009, my world was totally turned upside down when I had the knock at the door that every Army wife dreads – Lee had been killed whilst serving in Afghanistan.
Nikki and her daughter, Brooke
Christmas without their dad
The most painful thing for me was knowing our two precious children would now have to face life without their dad. Brooke was just 7 months old. She would have no memories of her time with her daddy, and Kai was only 5. How was I going to tell our gorgeous little boy that his daddy wasn’t coming home? When I sat him down on his bed and did my best to explain, I watched as the light went out in his eyes, and there was nothing I could do to make him feel better.
As Christmas approached, I didn’t know how we’d cope. The thought of celebrating without Lee was heart-wrenching. I would have given anything for Kai and Brooke to have their daddy there with them to share their special day.
Lee and Kai
Making a mistake
Then I had an idea. It was something that I thought might bring a little light amid all the darkness. Looking back, it wasn’t a good idea. In fact, it was really daft, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. On Christmas Eve, I left two presents outside the back door, and when the kids woke up, I told them the angels had brought the presents down from their dad. The kids were happy and for the first time in months I felt warm inside. I guess it was my way of bringing Lee into Christmas.
Lee and Kai dancing
Feeling guilty
Of course, the following year I had to do the same thing again. The kids would be disappointed if there wasn’t a present from their dad left by the angels. And so, it continued, year after year. It was like I had fallen into a trap. I was lying to my children every year and I felt awful about it, but how could I tell them it was me all along? I wished I’d never started it.
Lee and Kai enjoying Christmas together
Telling the truth
When Kai was 15 and Brooke was 11, ten years after the tradition had started, I finally plucked up the courage to sit them down and confess to it all. I'd tried to tell them before, but had never been able to do it. It was not an easy conversation. Kai couldn’t really understand why I had done it, and Brooke was really upset. I felt awful. Thankfully, after some explanation, they understood.
Nikki with her children, Kai and Brooke
Including their dad in Christmas
It’s important to us as a family to include Lee in our celebrations, but there’s no easy way. We want Christmas Day to be a happy occasion, and as much as we all want to include Lee, it’s hard to talk about him without feeling sad. Every bereaved family has their own way of coping. We’ll often raise a glass to Lee, but even that can change the mood significantly. It was a very long time before I started to feel like we were getting it right.
Nikki and Kai at Scotty's Christmas party
Our Christmas tradition
One year, I sat down with the kids and said that I wanted to do something that could become a new tradition. Something we can do every year to remember their dad. We wanted it to be something quite simple, something that we would all know is for Lee, but we didn’t want it to be over the top or awkward in any way. We talked through a few ideas and eventually settled on each of the kids having a bauble with a personalised message to their dad. The idea was that they could hang the bauble on the tree on Christmas Day, at whatever point they like, and just by doing that, they are showing they are thinking about Lee, and in some way he is with us. Kai and Brooke both love it and feel really proud doing it. It our way of honouring Lee and something the three us will always continue to do.
Lee hugging Kai, the Christmas before he died
Kai’s bauble says, “Merry Christmas, Dad. I miss you.”
Brooke’s says, “I know you are here with us, Dad. Merry Christmas.”
If you are the parent or carer of a bereaved military child or young person, click here.
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If you are a bereaved young person seeking support, click here.
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