How Scotty's helped me cope with the death of my military dad
21-year-old Steven Murphy was just three when his dad, bomb disposal expert Lance Corporal John Murphy, died by suicide.
Steven has no memories of his dad, but the emotions he felt during and after his father’s death have stayed with him as he has grown up, shaping the young man he has become.
Here, Steven shares the challenges he’s overcome after the death of his dad, and how support from Scotty’s Little Soldiers, the charity for bereaved military children, changed his life.
Steven, aged 18, with his first legal pint
“It had a really big effect on me”
“My dad was in a bomb defusal squad and went on operational tours a lot,” Steven explains. “We were living in Ballykelly in Northern Ireland when he died, then packed everything up and moved to Bristol to be closer to family. I didn’t realise it until a few years ago, but I think going through the death of my dad, moving country and then starting primary school all in the space of a few months had a really big effect on me, and has kind of shaped who I am. I did very well academically, but the social side of school never properly clicked into place for me. It’s only over the last few years I’ve started to see how everything that happened around that time impacted the way I thought and felt about my life and everything else growing up.”
LCpl John Murphy talking to baby Steven
The impact of Scotty's bereavement support
Steven’s dad, Lance Corporal Murphy, died on the 7th of January 2007 after serving 16 years with the Royal Army Veterinary Corps. It was a day that changed Steven’s life forever, but it was during his teenage years when Steven really started to struggle.
Concerned for her son’s wellbeing, Steven’s mum, Rachel, took him the doctors, only to be told there was an 18-month waiting list to be referred for counselling.
Rachel said: “Steven went through a very dark period. I couldn’t wait 18 months for him to get some help, so I phoned Nikki at Scotty’s Little Soldiers in floods of tears, and she was able to arrange a referral to a counsellor for Steven in two weeks.”
Steven added: “It was a very rough period. There were points during that time when I was really bad, but since then I’ve improved so much. The support provided by Scotty’s during that time was invaluable, they were able to refer me to a specialist counsellor who really helped me through my issues. It wouldn’t have been possible without Scotty’s.”
Baby Steven and his dad, LCpl John Murphy
Giving something back
As Steven has grown up, he’s learnt to manage his grief and process his emotions in other ways. Earlier this year, he even completed his first ever half-marathon – and he did it all to raise funds for Scotty’s Little Soldiers.
“It was the furthest I’ve ever run in one go!” he says. “I really wanted to challenge myself this year. In 2020 and 2021, during lockdown, my mental health took a dip. It was only really at the end of last year, when I started running and doing more exercise, that I suddenly realised I felt so much better. I’m studying business management at university, which I love, but like most students I don’t have the healthiest lifestyle, and taking on the Great Bristol Run felt like a great way to improve my health while raising money for a cause that means a lot to me.
“Now that I'm older and going out into the world by myself, I wanted to give something back to Scotty’s. I want to help give kids just joining the charity all the same opportunities and experiences I was given. I want them to know they’re not alone.”
His mum, Rachel, couldn’t be prouder: “Steven has overcome everything that life has put in his way. He’s overcome some amazing hurdles and the incredible help Scotty’s gave him was just what he needed at the time he needed it.”
Steven preparing to run a half-marathon for Scotty's
“I always feel like I have someone looking out for me”
One constant pillar of support for Steven has been Scotty’s Little Soldiers, the charity for children and young people who have experienced the death of a parent who served in the British Armed Forces.
“Knowing Scotty’s is there, even though I’m older now, is really comforting,” explains Steven, who joined the charity at 7 years old. “They have always been there for me, they’ve made a big difference to my life, they understand me and make sure I never feel alone. Keeping that support network, even into adulthood, is a huge benefit.
“I’ve done all kinds of brilliant things with the charity, from attending the Christmas parties with loads of other bereaved military children to walking onto the pitch of Wembley Stadium before an England vs Belgium football game. My first ever Scotty memory was going to an ice rink in Covent Garden and meeting kids who had lost a military parent just like me, and it made me feel like, actually, I wasn’t alone. Thanks to Scotty’s, I always feel like I have someone looking out for me. I couldn’t be more grateful if I tried.”
Young Steven sleeping through a family photo
About Scotty’s
Scotty’s Little Soldiers is a charity dedicated to supporting children and young people, 0 to 25 years, who have experienced the death of a parent who served in the British Armed Forces.
Inspired by the experience of Army widow Nikki Scott, following the death of her husband, Corporal Lee Scott, in Afghanistan in 2009, the charity, which was set up in 2010, provides support and guidance to hundreds of bereaved military children and young people throughout their childhood.
When a young person joins Scotty’s, they become a member and are supported until their 25th birthday. Whether it be one-to-one bereavement support, a respite break with the family, an opportunity to meet others in a similar situation, or access to extracurricular activities, Scotty’s is always there for its members to ensure they don’t feel alone.
So far this year, Scotty’s has supported over 680 bereaved military children and young people and has a long-term goal to support over 1,000 children annually by 2030.
Some of Scotty's Members at our 2019 Winter Festival
